Saturday, March 05, 2011

Pesonal and honest

Ok, I'm going a little personal and very honest so be forewarned. 

My DS is 16 and is a junior this year.  We have one more year with him at home before he heads off to college.  This is breaking my heart.  I know that I am supposed to be excited to see my children grow up and do all the great things I know they will do but... in all honesty... I'm having a really hard time with it.  I miss my little guy.  I miss my baby, my toddler, my preteen even!  I love this teenager too I really do but it's the teenager that grows up and leaves home to start his own life. 

Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to have a new daughter to love and to have grandkids to love (well, I can wait a few years OR MORE but you know what I mean) and I'm excited to see who he is going to become but I just wish he could it all right here with me!  I know, it's selfish.  I should be excited for him to embark on his adventure of life but...  I'm sad.  I can't even type this without crying.  I've got BIG crocodile tears rolling down my cheeks.

Maybe it's because when I left home I LEFT HOME.  I went several states over and then I went across the ocean to another country!  Maybe it's because I don't make it back home very often and I'm afraid he'll do the same.  I don't know, I just know that I'm sad.  Maybe it's because I did leave home and so most of the time it was just me and the kids when DH had to go away so I've leaned on them (the kids) too much and I'm afraid of losing that support.  This little family of mine has been my best friends!  I can honestly say that my husband and kids are my very best friends.  Don't get me wrong, I talk to my mom and daddy daily sometimes several times a day and they are best friends as are my sister and brother too but they are long distance friends. 

I guess maybe in some ways as I see my kids grow up and think of them going off to to college, I think of how alone I'll be... DH travels a lot for work and so it's been just me the kids a lot and I worry  about it just being me. 

Yep, as I type this, I just keep thinking SELFISH.  That's all it is.  Me being selfish.  I mean who's to say that the kids won't stay near by?  Who's to say that when DH retires from the Army that he'll continue to travel?  And even if they don't stay near by I can go see them and hopefully they'll come see me!  I should be looking forward to all the new adventures life will bring the kids and their families and me and DH too!  I've never been a fan of change even though my life has been constant changes.  The thought of these changes takes my breath away and makes my heart heavy. 

Oh how I need to look at all this differently.  I try.  I really do.  I try to look forward to the plays and concerts I know are in DS's future but then I worry that they will be too far away for me to get to see them!  Then I worry about holding them back.  I don't want to do that!  I want them to be all they can be, all that I know God made them to be.  So that means trusting.  Trusting that it will all be okay.  Trusting that I've been good momma.  Trusting...  I'm beginning to think that I'm not very good at that at all. 

So this is definitely something I have got to continue to work on and work on really hard.  Sorry for being so honest.  I'm not sure I really want you all to know how selfish I can be but... there it is.  How have any of you dealt with all this?   Any wisdom to share?  Any guidance?

2 comments:

  1. Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

    It is hard letting them go, but also, the relationship gets stronger. It also gives you time to rediscover you.

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