Monday, July 17, 2006

Have you ever had an epiphany? I mean just a sudden realization that something was just very important to you? Not important like God or family but still something that is a part of you. A part of your heart, something deep in your soul that almost defines you. Something that maybe you have only partially let out.

Well, yes, I've had one. It's music. I absolutely love music and if I am completely honest, it is something that defines me. The sad part is that I barely let this side of me out. I sing at church but not in choir. I sing around the house always but if someone is around I sing much more quietly or not at all (I don't want to bother them). I love to hear beautiful music. I love to be apart of it! I love to make it. It is one my most absolute favorite things in this world! I think it is a true gift for us all to enjoy.

The problem, is that I don't let it out enough. I've passed it on to my children. Mainly my daughter. She loves to sing and does so almost continually. My son had it for a while but I'm afraid that I've also passed on to him the ... holding it deep inside. If he doesn't think anyone is around he can sing but... not if anyone is listening.

I don't sing in the choir at church because I love sitting with my family during worship and am not willing to give it up. I've filled out the little forms, you know the ones asking how you'd like to serve in church. I've always marked that I'd like to help with special music but no one ever asks. It doesn't help that I'm shy. In some ways incredibly.

I would love to take piano lessons but one... it would cost and I hate to spend money on just me and two it would take me away from the family for that time. I don't often, if ever, take time for myself. That is mostly my fault but when DH is deployed or TDY or in the field or just gone where ever, it is very hard to take time for me.

When I was in high school, I wanted to take drama so bad, I wanted to be in a musical so bad it hurt! But... You can only take so many classes and I was on the road to college and it just wasn't feasible. I did take choir and I loved it. I was very shy though and I doubt if anyone even knew I was there.

I remember my senior year, I had been in choir all 3 years I had lived there, and we were trying out for a solo. I couldn't believe it when Mr. Cowan (the director) asked if anyone else wanted to try out and I raised my hand!! I can remember that when I started to sing, the room got completely quiet and people asked who I was. It was even the very end of the school year! I could hear people asking when I joined the choir because they had never seen me before!

No, I didn't get the solo, it was really a joke that they even let anyone else try because the same person ALWAYS got the solos, every single year, every single time. I honestly wasn't even disappointed because I knew it would be like that.

Then in college, my dad (the preacher) had the bright idea of me singing a solo. No big deal, I had been doing it for years! BUT this time it just so happened that it was on the same Sunday that the choir from the college I attended was performing too. You know, people who were music majors, who were real singers and musicians. UNREAL!! I was so nervous but despite the shaking it turned out wonderful and the head of the music department asked me to major in music. I didn't but I should have. But I didn't see how I could make a living with that. (really dumb, I'm a stay at home mom! I've not used my Marketing degree in more than 9 years!)

This isn't the first time I've had this epiphany. It happens when I watch certain shows or when I hear a beautiful piece of music or when a song really touches my heart. I'm not saying this because I have the big head and I hope that no one takes it that way. I'm not anything special (my voice and talent are average) but I do love music and wish that I knew how to better use it in my life the way I think God means for me to.

I use it with my kids. I teach them with it. We have always made up silly songs to help us remember things. I've used it in teaching the kids at different churches. I've used it in years past as a way to serve in worship.

But today... I feel like it is always bursting in me trying to get out but... there is no outlet for it. I don't know what to do or how to use it.

The thing is... it is such a part of me and I have no idea where to use it. When I had this "epiphany" tonight I wanted to cry. To cry. To cry because I've not let this out more. To cry because I don't even know where to start!

Of course, I also wanted to jump up and sing my lungs out! To run and sit at the keyboard and work though a piano book and try to improve. But I also wanted to write about all this so that I'd have it for later. To remind myself over and over how very important music is to me. Music... it's the world, it's my heart.

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