WHATEVER....

That's a word I need to delete from my vocabulary.  Lately, I've been using it a lot.  I use it mostly when I'm hurt, irritated, upset... you get the idea.  I think maybe it's a coping mechanism... Usually in my mind I say "Whatever... I don't care".  See, I think it is a way of pretending that I don't care when in reality I care immensely.  I don't really know exactly when this started but I've been noticing it a lot lately. 

The word "Whatever" is a sure sign that I am shutting down.  Trying to turn off my emotions, trying to distance myself, to kind of check out.  At that moment, I turn into myself and hide.  I become very quiet. 

Don't get me wrong.  I do sometimes use this word when this is not the case... "Sure whatever you need."  Obviously I mean just want I say in that case but I think I'm going to have to find a different word because I really think I need to let this one go completely... at least for now. 

I was talking with someone on the phone this morning and as I hung up, I heard myself saying in my head, "Whatever.  I don't care."  But the reality was I did care, very much.  My feelings were hurt.  Not that they should have been.  In all honestly, it was probably just a bad time to be talking with the person and it was nothing against me but in that moment it felt awful and I could just feel myself closing doors in my mind, trying to shut myself off from that hurt feeling but too late, it had followed me and then came those words again, just in a different order... "I don't care, whatever."

I think I've come to a point in my life where I'm just tired.  Tired of getting hurt, tired of ... oh, I don't know really, just tired.  So, where do I go from here?  How do I stop this "hiding", this "shutting down", this "checking out"?  I really don't know but maybe, just maybe if I could stop saying "Whatever" it would help.  So I'm on a quest to find a new word that is helpful instead enabling.  We'll see how it goes. Whatever...