Sunday, January 01, 2012


*Disclaimer... Mom, Daddy, Dear Brother, Dear Sister and other family members this post is a tear jerker (about Susan) so you just may not want to read it.  I'm just saying... don't say I didn't warn you.

I feel almost certain that I have mentioned my older sister on here before.  She died almost 21 years ago.

The whole month of December she was on mind a lot.  Well, I think of her all the time but for some reason, she was just really, really on mind.  I talked about her a lot more than usual.  Her birthday was in December so maybe that's why.

Then a few days before Christmas, my dear friend lost her bother.  It really brought back all kinds of memories and thoughts of my sister.  I even lost a cousin at about the same time so memories flooded me.

Last night my friend mentioned her tears and sorrow.  I was talking with my family about it this morning and out of no where I started telling a story of my sister.

I was always a little jealous of sister.  She was 10 years older than me and so she was married and living with her husband by the time I was 10.  She would come home and well, to this little one it seemed liked everything stopped and was all about her.  (Which was the way it should be but I didn't understand that then.)  Really she was just older and so could be more apart of the adult stuff than I could be.  She was beautiful and thin and well, perfect in my eyes.  I wanted so badly to look like her, to be as beautiful as her. I loved going and spending a week with her during the summers!  I looked forward to it every summer.

When she came home for my high school graduation, she took me shopping for dresses.  We had so much fun and bought the most beautiful dresses.  After that we spent more time together.  I would drive up to see her some on the weekends and we talked and exchanged cards often.  We talked about everything.  I felt like my big sister was becoming my best friend and it was wonderful.

I remember when she told me about her first seizure.  I was so scared and she swore me to secrecy and I, of course, did not keep it.  I told my parents because I was worried.  She wasn't mad at me.  By the time I told she was at the doctor's anyway.  We continued to talk often and I visited too.

Then the day came she had brain surgery.  My daddy was in the hospital as well.  My mom was with my sister and we were with Daddy.  I got home from my classes that morning and met my brother.  While I was waiting I looked through the mail.  I had a card from my sister.  I couldn't open it for a while.  It made me cry to get it.  I read it and laughed and cried.  I was having some "friend" issues and so was she and so she sent a card about it and said that she and I were best friends and so who needed those others when we had each other. 

My brother and I went to the hospital to see my daddy.  When the doors of the elevator opened to Daddy's floor every minister (Daddy is a retired minister) we knew in the area was standing there waiting to get on... they looked at us so sad.  One of them stayed and walked back to Daddy's room with us to be there for us as Daddy told us that Susan's tumor was inoperable.  I clutched that card so hard. 

Later when it was just my daddy and me in the room, I asked what exactly did it mean that it was inoperable... I was really asking what would happen next but that's not how I worded it and my daddy's response was ... "She going to die."  Then he cried and I cried and I read my card again.  My daddy asked what it was and asked to read it. 

I read that card over and over for years.  My sister didn't die till 2 or 3 years later.  I carried that card with me all the time.  I visited her often and we spent lots of time together until she was really, really sick.  I remember the last time I saw her.  I can still see her face as she lay in the hospital bed in her living room.  I remember it was time to go and I was scared to go.  We didn't really grow up saying the words, "I love you".  We just knew it but that day I knew I had to say it.    We weren't big huggers either but I went over the her bed and hugged her as best I could and whispered "I love you, Susan" in her ear and then proceeded to run out the door crying.  I couldn't get in our car fast enough to hide.  I didn't want anyone to see me crying even though I knew they saw me.   It was so hard.

I loved that card. I kept it for years until one Army move it was lost...  I think of that card all time. How I wish I still had it.  It was so special and came at the perfect time. 

It is so hard to loose a sibling, whether young, old, sudden or drawn out.  It's hard to loose anyone close to us.  So... hold those you love close and don't be afraid to say I love you.  It's not sappy.  It's wonderful.

Well, this is what was on mind this morning and as I shared it with my DH and kids, I thought perhaps I'd write it up as a blog post, a memorial to my Sweet Sister.  I miss you.

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